| good credit |
[01 Oct 2006|02:49am] |
its been awhile. ive been busy and tired and tired and tired (but in good spirits, nonetheless). i suppose that getting your life back on track is a little more time consuming than one would think - and not in the physical (work, school, health) sense, but in the mind sense. everyday i have to remind myself that my body is stronger than i give myself credit for. my heart is stronger than that mind...that mind that deteriorates every night and every morning. that mind that dreams up horrific nightmares that awakes me with clenched fists and achey bones by dawn. its hard, yeah, but i guess self-pep talks and deep breathing counts for something if ive been truckin' on and can say that im pretty damn happy with how my life is and how i am...who i am.
its hard to let go of that anger. one day a ghost from my past walks into my life and it was...well...like seeing a ghost. i was freaked out but it made me realize that you can learn a hell of a lot through your worst enemies, your worst fears. ive learned to embrace the good in my life and really, see a lot in people which in turn, has let me see a lot in myself. i cannot deny the lingering disappointment that ive found in others but it always works as a catylyst for a certain growth of empathy in my heart...a certain understanding of the human being.
live one day at a time. i finally started listening to myself. its difficult when you fear that black shadow creeping up on you and just lingering above your head on a loose thread. if it comes, i'll deal. but aside from one day at a time, i see far ahead and its all clear skies.
i learned to give myself AND others a little more credit. good karma will give you everything you deserve in this world. ...even if its indirectly. try it, it works, guaranteed.
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[22 May 2006|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nelly furtado: maneater |
] |
fireworks in the sky and my baby flying above the clouds towards europe. i am a sad and lonely girl tonight. i'll hold in the whining, because this will probably be a month full of these kind of posts.
to not bore you all with my whining, here are some pics from the weekend:
( fritzhelder&thephantoms @ MOD CLUB )
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| summertime... |
[12 May 2006|01:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bebel gilberto - samba de benco |
] |
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[04 Apr 2006|04:10pm] |
im drowning in school work - but who isn't right? oh well, that's all i'll say about that for now. horray for blog writing as a form of procrastination.
i pulled out my back last week - a pinched nerve in my lower back and i've basically been rendered useless and crippled since. since it's a nerve, my bum, theigh, knee, calf and foot hurts too. all i've been really doing is lying in bed and reading...sitting up every now and then. lying in bed causes laziness which causes lots and lots of work piling up (oops i wasn't supposed to say anymore about that.) It's all good, I'm not stressing too too much.
it's me and b's 2 year anniversary on friday. i'm not the celebratory type (not for those things at least)...but either way, it's pretty exciting and ... nice? its amazing to look back and see what you've gone through with a person -- what you've learned and how you've grown. b has stood by me for a lot of shit recently and i want to do something to thank her...maybe a little celebrating won't be too too bad/corny. things are good. i couldn't be happier.
hmm. okay, i guess i should go write my paper now. i'm sure i'll be back with some more uninsightful things to say!
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| rambled confessions. |
[15 Mar 2006|02:28am] |
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mood |
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 okay |
] |
I woke up in the middle of the night last September and found that I had lost my mind. I always used to write in this little orange book and had so much to say and so much thought pouring out of me. Lately, nothing really registers in my head except the fucked up situation that I’ve found myself in. I find myself unmotivated and aside from losing my mind, I’ve lost my drive. I went through my bag the other day and realized that the one and only thing that I’ve started and finished with whole-hearted intention in the past six months are endless crossword puzzles (21 pages of them in my bag, to be exact). My drive to write is something I miss most. Usually I scribble or type type type in the middle of the night about anything and everything and really, it doesn’t matter who is reading or anybody else’s standards, but by my own – everything sounds like shit lately. Perhaps it’s because when I write, it feels like I’m recounting a moment, telling a story – and this just so happens to be a story I don’t want to tell (or remember). Why would I write and make a ‘story’ of something that is my god damn life. Yes, cry cry cry, I realize its sounding very self loathing, but this is my life. It isn’t my sob story.
I’ve found it impossible to articulate what I’m going through because words disappear somewhere inside that black hole deep beneath my chest…but it’s funny how I try anyways and that there are a billion words to describe sadness…yet words come up short when I try to define it.
I’m trying really hard here but a part of me doesn’t want to tell this ‘story’ until it’s all over, said and done with. In the meantime, it’s about living this life and climbing out of this hole…but it’s so comfortable in this hole, and safe and secure …as sad as that is to admit, because when you’ve fallen all the way down, theres no where further to go. I wake up in the morning and it takes me hours to get out of bed. I feel like a disappointment to everyone (but it’s because I subconsciously am a disappointment to myself). I remember how scary it was to fall deeper and deeper, and to say that this is comfortable is an understatement. It’s hard to climb out because I don’t want to risk the inevitable fluctuation (I’ve always had motion sickness).
B reads over my shoulder and tells me that this is sad prose. Well, it isn’t. Tomorrow is a brand new day, because tonight, I’ve realized all this. I’m gonna fly out of this hole.
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[02 Mar 2006|07:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tommie sunshine - fall out boy's: dance dance |
] |
week from hell. i lost my metropass then i lost my mind. stress is not my friend. all i want to do is go out and dance away these blues. ive got essays to write but function seems like it'll be a good party tnite. i want to see my friends.
wheres my baby?
free love.
come and get it.
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| feel good, okay? |
[28 Feb 2006|02:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hyper/procrastinatory |
] |
| [ |
music |
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gorillaz - feel good inc. |
] |
yellow tea cups lined in a row. stapled papers sprawled over the kitchen table. ceiling fan with cigarettes & an open window. essays crawling out of my ass -- the greatest bullshit written this semester. no sleep. no fun. my lady's asleep in the other room and ive got a date with politics. cry cry cry. life goes on.
im all about these random posts now. im thinking of joining myspace for optimal procrastination purposes. ive held off so long though?!!
where my insomniacs at?
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| tymps. |
[26 Feb 2006|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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gnarls barkley - crazy |
] |
i'm undecided about my therapist. she talks in this 'calm and controlled' voice which seems to push the border towards sexual insistence. it's very weird and it makes me uncomfortable at times. sometimes i really feel like i can really open up to her and spill my guts, my heart, my brain. sometimes i just feel like laughing because she takes me too seriously and it encourages me to take myself and what im going through a little too too seriously. i just want to relax. but then i relax and my life seems to slip away before my eyes. i rationalize feeling so intense about this shit, perhaps because im losing, or have lacked random passions in other facets of my life. where did it go? when will it come back?
im so tired of TALKING about things and not having any SOLUTIONS. talk is cheap. im tired of fucking up but then it transpires into something i can be intense and passionate about - to think about it and deal with it. god, see? she does encourage me to take things too seriously.
it's all very laughable, really.
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| Hayden & Olympics |
[19 Feb 2006|11:09pm] |
Hayden makes the cutest little polar bear I've ever seen.
I've been obsessed with watching the Olympics! And though Canada as a whole has been doing pretty well, I'm not too pleased with the men's hockey team....neither is Hayden apparently.
Women's hockey final tomorrow with Canada vs. Sweeden. Who wants to go to a bar and watch this with me??
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[13 Feb 2006|02:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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beck - golden age |
] |
i can't sleep so i guess i'll update random things since i haven't written in quite some time!
- it was my birthday on friday, i'm 22. it was good times as always -- fantastic friends, drinks and dancing. a girl like me couldn't ask for more.
- i told my mom that im bisexual and that i'm dating a girl. she took it as cool as any parent could...but of course with natural motherly/asian/cultural reservations. that's okay. shes fantastic. she hasn't acted any different around me or b for that matter. my dad who is a quiet reserved man and opted to show me that it's okay by asking me if i'm okay and if i got any sleep the night before i told my mom and giving me a kiss on the cheek. my mom DID ask me, "but you still like boys too, right?" haha
- i started going to therapy because of life instabilities. i don't know what i feel about it yet.
- matt came all the way from ottawa to hang out with me for my birthday. best chillin' time ive had in awhile.
- im starting to question the redundancy of school (or more so, my program)
- im a bit crazy sometimes...but i've got good people in my life to fish me back up most of the times when i feel like drowning.
- i've been trying to filter in and out the things and people that matter most in my life. trying to take steps towards feeling better (ie: telling my parents, going to therapy) i didn't necessarily think either were good ideas at the time, but it had to be done...and so do other things.
- speaking of which, i need a job!
i guess that's it, in a nutshell. i'll elaborate more if time permits sometime soon. also, i'll try to post some new pictures up here! i hope everyone is doing well.
early class tomorrow. time to TRY to sleep. gnite xx
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[12 Jan 2006|11:07pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
] |
thursday night winding down. spent two days trying to get back into the swing of school after a relaxing week in quebec. the combination of a gorgeous five bedroom cabin, lots of snow, a romantic little town and good company helped me get my sanity back...or more so my calm.
various invites to go out tonight, but i opted to stay in and lay in bed with my love.
random posting. i just feel really good right now and thought it was appropriate to document.
shower time, then - more bed; more love.
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| Hayden. |
[07 Dec 2005|05:47pm] |
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I have a new love in my life.
 please note the size of his head in comparision to my hand.
my cousin hannah had a baby. seeing as we grew up together and shes like a sister to me, i consider hayden my nephew..and d and i are going to be his godparents! we also named him. he's just absolutely lovely and perfect! its very weird that just less than a week ago i was talking to him through a tummy, and now he's joined the world. i love him so much already!!
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| MORNING SMILE. |
[05 Dec 2005|06:13am] |
it's past 6 AM. ive been up ALL NIGHT working on a project. i'll be up for a few more hours.
so i decide to go out and have a coffee/smoke break.
the newspaper man drives by, stops, doesnt see me and WHIPS the fucking newspaper at my head.
WHATTHEFUCK?!
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| part of the current scholarly trend |
[03 Dec 2005|12:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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fischerspooner. |
] |
- too much aftereffects
- too much photoshop
- too much flash
- too much illustrator
- too much studying
- TOO MUCH SCHOOL
- too much procrastination
- too much beer
- too much caffeine
- too much cigarettes
- too little time.
- too little sleep.
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| nevermind fighting for hours... |
[29 Nov 2005|04:43am] |
when somebody agrees to do the macerena in their underwear to make up for being a jerk to you,
you know thats love.
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| subliminal messages. silence. & a secret id love to tell. |
[23 Nov 2005|02:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tiesto |
] |
sometimes all it takes is one thing, one thought, one action, one word. i laid awake last night - my brain buzzing, my body floating but my thoughts sinking to limbo. anxieties infiltrate my dreams and turn themselves into nightmares. im a little off today. my thoughts have no expression. they make their way to my mouth and are silenced by clenched teeth and a smirk. something happened to me last night in my sub-conscience. i feel something very clearly. i came here to write...but a white empty page sounds just as quiet, just as silent.
sometimes all it takes is one thing, one thought, one action, one word - to put you in your place; to make you realize everything is O.K.
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| YUMMY MUMMY. |
[31 Oct 2005|06:04pm] |
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10 yards of white fabric: $32
cutting up all the fabric into strips: 2 hours
trial and error process of wrapping oneself up as a mummy: 4 hours
times pricked by a saftey pin: 17
dancing to drum and bass in a mummy costume: uncomfortable but interesting
PEEING in a mummy costume: difficult
LOSING A $500 COSTUME CONTEST TO A SLUTTY NURSE?: INFURIATING!!!
meh, shit happens. it was just a tad embarassing when judging was by applause and you could basically hear a pin drop in the club when it was our turn. fuck, i guess sex sells...sex wins..or whatever...though i think i was a pretty hott mummy. i'm still a tad bitter.
( +2 pics & the best costume i've ever seen... )
happy halloween everybody.
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[25 Oct 2005|07:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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esthero: thank heaven for you |
] |
it's cold and wet
. and .
all i want
is to lie under layers of my lover's limbs
in a candlelit room
listening to
loungey licks
electronic spits
lullabies
& elated sighs.
thank heaven for you; and the way you take care of me. you hide my secret so well. (thank heaven for you.)
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| animal antics. |
[18 Oct 2005|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
trust me, you want to click on this link and see the videos i uploaded.
good for amusement/procrastination. (note: watch and listen with your speakers on!)
our animals rule...(and thats just three of them)
http://www.jusspress.com/day.php?userid=36789¤tDate=20051018&imageNum=0
...and yes, i realize i am a borderline crazy cat woman. i have doggie videos too, wait till you see those!
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